March 17, 2019
Today is a good morning.
I woke up early (not intended, but thankful to the Lord) with the house still quiet. (Yep, the kids are still all asleep — ALL of them.)
A day like this is so rare.
So, I got up, did my morning routine, got my planner, my Bible and my phone (because my Bible plan is there, plus I keep a record of my Bible readings and things I’m thankful to the Lord for in my calendar app to make sure’ they’re all in one place).
Of course, I would never forget the ☕.
This is going to be one exciting coffee session with the Lover of my soul!
Oh, it felt so good to be with my Jesus!
That one on one time with Jesus — THE quiet time, literally — is priceless.
That feeling of my overwhelms leading me to humility.
Of knowing that I can boldly come to my Jesus for forgiveness, rest, and comfort not because I did something right on other days (nope, we cannot bribe Jesus — that’s a fact!) but because of who He is — compassionate, merciful, and loving (yes, THIS is a FACT!).
Then this happened…
Pierced, Bruised, Struck
Have this ever occurred to you…
You’re doing nothing (or in my case, praying), and then some people suddenly pop in your mind?
And these “someones” just so happen to have done or said some hurtful things to you in the past that you chose to put that memory in a dark place in your head?
I mean…
Imagine not thinking of those people in eons!
… Yet there they are…
Lingering in your mind during one of your rare and priced “peaceful” moments as you vividly remember the pain in your chest when you were caught off-guard with their piercing words?
Quick Backstory
Something happened between me and some old friends in the past.
It happened during one of the worst storms in my life.
We’ve known one another for over a decade and a half, so I expected them to support me and encourage me… no matter what. (My bad!)
Instead of pulling me up, I heard condemning words — I was crushed, accused, and judged.
Their words pierced my heart because I thought they would understand.
I thought they would love me despite my poor decisions.
(Or is it really a poor decision to keep an unborn child? Never! An unborn child is a CHILD, not a choice. Let’s just say my circumstances were not ideal to have the kid just yet. But in case you’re wondering, yes, I GLADLY kept my child. And he’s one tough and wonderful kid, I must say!)
Tough Love or Mere Cruelty?
I thought…
Yeah, that’s the keyword there.
I thought.
I thought = I expected.
And having unrealistic and unmet expectations towards others (or any expectations AT ALL), regardless of the kind of relationship you have, means trouble.
(Of course, in a professional working relationship, it is but right to SET and HAVE appropriate expectations regarding work load, deliverables, etc. Well, you get what I mean.)
Yes, there is this thing called “tough love.”
Maybe I needed to hear those words.
Maybe not.
The point is, something irrevocable has already happened.
Though my friends didn’t tell me directly, they were grilling me for being careless and reckless to the point of accusing me of deliberately wanting to have a child with my partner just so I could “keep” him and feel “secured” that he would not leave me. 😑
I was even sarcastically asked if I knew this thing called “contraceptive.” 😑
“I” hurt so much!
It hurt much more than when my enemies abuse, take advantage of, or insult me.
Why?
Because my “friends” were supposed to know me better.
There I go again… Expecting something from others.
I decided to stay silent.
To back off.
Even to the point of burning bridges.
Burning bridges? I thought to myself…
Is there really a bridge to burn? Were we really ‘friends’ or do we just like the notion of knowing one another for a very long time?
This happened several years ago.
And the Lord showed me today that my pain is still there.
That I haven’t forgiven my friends yet.
And like what I mentioned on my post Day 17: Happy New Year, 2019 is going to be an amazing year from the Lord. A year of surrendering, letting go, and — you guessed it — forgiving.
Getting Out of My Prison!
I do have a struggle with forgiving me others.
And that’s probably why the Lord has given me this opportunity to forgive… because I ASKED for it.
I mentioned this thing called “dangerous prayer” in my previous post. My dangerous prayer was for the Lord “to help me be like Him and forgive like Him.” (Yup, be careful what you pray for.)
I don’t even know if my friends remembered the instance I was talking about or if they even remember the things they said.
They have gone on with their lives — got married, got children, and lived happily ever after. (Well, they look happy.)
Writing about these, I could feel how my unforgiveness has impacted my heart.
A mention of their names and I go back to my little jail cell of unforgiveness (with the door wide open, I must note).
I thought that if I refused to forgive, they would still be “accountable” for how they have hurt me.
I couldn’t be more wrong.
So today, I decided to forgive my friends as I see myself from the perspective of the cross. I am as bad a sinner as my friends are. My friends’ sins, my sins — these are what nailed Jesus to that cross on Calvary.
My friends were entitled to their opinion.
Now that the Lord continues to equip me through the Glorious Hope Program as I continue to learn how to process myself, depend on Him, and look at myself from His eyes through the people He surrounds me with, I now know that His opinion is the only thing that matters.
And according to my God in the Psalms, I am infinitely and relentlessly loved by My Jesus — me, the whole package.
So, the question remains:
Is my child my way of securing a relationship with another man?
Is my child a form of “stupidity” — a mistake that shouldn’t have happened if I were “more careful”?
Or is my child a gift?
It’s a no-brainer!
He’s definitely a treasure worth being persecuted and dying for.
Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. – Psalm 127:3
How about you?
Do you have any hurts from the past that you still hold so closely to your heart? What’s stopping you from forgiving that person? How do you see yourself five years from now if you continue to hold on to that forgiveness?
Let’s share each other’s burdens. Let me know how I can support you and pray for you in the comment section below.
Coffee Sessions with Mama Sel 