Day 28: Dangerous Prayer

January 12, 2019

I cried a lot today.

Before you go judging me for being a cry baby, know that many people say I have a strong personality.

I think one of the reasons they have this notion about me is because they don’t see me cry.

And when I do, they don’t see me do it.

Like what I always say, I came from a family of “amazons.”

Domineering. Fierce. Stubborn.

These are some of the characteristics of the women in the family I grew up in.

If you see us cry (IF — that’s the key word there), it’s usually out of the burning anger inside us or out of extreme frustration.

The Trigger: The Confrontation Conversation

Today, someone close to my heart approached me in a confrontational way — or at least this was how I interpreted it.

I didn’t have the chance to explain my side of the story.

I felt my heart pounding and the tears welling up inside me.

I was hurt.

That one-minute confrontation felt like a thousand daggers piercing my heart all at the same time.

I wanted to cry but I couldn’t.

My kids were there.

I didn’t want them to see me cry just yet. I wouldn’t know what to tell them. I definitely didn’t want to blurt out the first thing in my mind especially when I’m emotional.

I was too emotional at that point.

So, I asked my husband to go ahead and bring the kids with him to the event we were going to attend while I finish my meeting with a friend.

Yes, this short and quick encounter happened in a public place while I was in a meeting with someone.

Before our meeting concluded, I couldn’t help but cry my heart out.

I had to release the emotions that were bottled up inside me.

I thank the Lord for my friend who patiently listened to my lament and helped me see things clearly.

After I have released my hurt, we went straight to the event where, once again, I cried a lot to the Lord and asked Him to comfort me.

At times like this, I could feel my chest get heavy as well as a pinching sensation in it.

My heart was hurting — literally.

I also pleaded with the Lord for Him to reveal to me the root of this trigger.

Why did I overreact to that confrontation conversation?

What happened in my past that caused me to feel that way?

Truly God is the God of impossibilities!

I praise and thank the Lord for answering my prayer!

Tears are for Losers

When I was in my teenage years, I was often scolded at by my parents and grandparents.

They would say hurtful things towards me — about how they negatively perceive me.

Malandi! (Flirt!)

Sayang lang pera namin sa’yo! Huwag ka nang mag-aral, mag-asawa ka na lang! (We’re just wasting our money on you! Don’t go to school anymore, just go ahead and get hitched!)

Hopeless ka na talaga! (You really ARE hopeless.)

The way they said it made me feel like I was insignificant, worthless, and hopeless.

When my family accused me of things like this, they didn’t see me shed a tear.

For my family, crying means losing.

And in my mind, I used to say to myself, “I am NOT a loser.”

Two Decades of Suppressed Hurts

I never had the chance to acknowledge to myself that I was hurt every time my family would treat me that way.

After 20 years of being in denial, having selective amnesia and unreleased hurts, I thank the Lord for showing me the parts of me where I needed healing.

Little did I know that I was hurting all these years.

I thank God for using Glorious Hope (GH) to help me heal and teach me how to process my responses and emotions.

I thank God for using Glorious Hope to help me take responsibility for my action — or lack of it.

I thank the Lord for the opportunity to be more like Him as He opens doors of opportunities for me to forgive and be forgiven as He humbles me and shows me where I need redeeming.

After the event, I saw another friend, my former Glorious Hope Life Coach, who was aware of the circumstances that led to what happened this afternoon.

Again, I shed some tears but eventually pulled myself together as she helped me see the situation clearly from an objective perspective.

“Dangerous” Prayer

The cliche is true…

Be careful what you wish for.

In my case, be careful what I pray for.

I recently asked the Lord to help me be like Him and forgive like Him.

I believe that 2019 would be a good year of removing the poison of unforgiveness in my life.

Why “dangerous” prayer?

Tony Stoltzfus, the author of the book The Invitation, defines a dangerous prayer as a technique for asking Jesus to provide the opportunities and situations needed for you to change and be better or for you to understand what’s going on in your heart.

Answered Prayer

I thank the Lord for impressing in my heart my need for forgiveness and to grant it to others.

Today’s encounter, as well as the impression to forgive, is an answer to my dangerous prayer.

I have asked forgiveness from the Lord for judging the person who rebuked me.

I didn’t realize that I was doing the EXACT thing I did not want others to do to me.

I assumed things in my mind as to why this person approached me “that” way and interpreted things based on my emotions. This is wrong. I am not God and in no position to think that my assumptions are in any way true.

I have also forgiven the person for the far-from-gentle rebuke I received today. I was tired and been lacking some shut-eye, which makes me more emotional than I usually am.

I have also forgiven myself for how narrow-minded I have become — especially when I get emotional — and for being quick to pass judgment on others.

Thank You, Jesus!

Thank You, my Jesus, that because of the forgiveness You offer at the cross, I can see that I am no better than other people — not superior over them nor better than them. ALL our sins — including mine — brought You incomparable pain and suffering. But because of Your amazing love, You took my place. You chose to save me.

And by Your amazing grace, I know I can also forgive and be better — be a bit more like You every day. Not on my own strength, my Lord, but by Your amazing love alone.