Day 4: Cold Hands, Cold Feet, Blazing Anger

Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people, from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me! – Psalm 43:1 ESV

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!

Being a Christian is IMPOSSIBLE apart from Jesus!

Impossible!!!

Something triggered me today. BIG TIME.

I chatted with one of my daughters who is leaving soon for a holiday trip out of the country.

Due to our situation (What situation? Their dad — who is NOT my husband — and I are estranged yet we share guardianship over our common children. The kids are still underage aka minors), my children’s dad needed my written consent stating that I am permitting my kids to travel with him, the biological father.

During the time my teen daughter, Ocean, was asking me for the affidavit, I was running low in cash.

I thought… Maybe that was the Lord’s way of humbling me — for me to approach their dad and ask for the money for the necessary document.

And that’s what I did.

(I didn’t really “approach” their dad since we’re not in speaking terms, but I sent the message through my teen daughter. Because of what happened between him and me and some people very close to my heart, this is the BEST setup for everyone concerned.)

Ocean asked their dad and told her that the payment will be given on Friday (We asked over the weekend).

Then, it changed to Monday of the following week.

Thank God for His timely provision and I was able to process the document my kids needed so they can enjoy an out-of-the-country trip with their dad and his relatives.

I told Ocean to get the payment from her dad.

The plan was to give the money to Ocean as pocket money for their travel.

Lo and behold, their father said I “already paid” for the affidavit.

Meaning since he has already gotten hold of the papers, his thoughts probably sounded like, “Uh-uh! Am not payin’!”

Oh yes, it has triggered me BIG TIME!

If you read my post on Day 3: Do Not Judge (Part 2), you’ll know that one of my dominant desires is JUSTICE.

And what he did was SO NOT FAIR!

Breathe deeply. Pause. Resist the first impulse. Keep my eye on the sky. Yes, I’m talking to myself.

I feel used, abused, and taken advantaged of.

I felt like a victim all over again.

He has cheated me and betrayed me so many times in ways I never thought possible that the simplest forms of triggers get the best of me.

I felt my hands sweating and getting colder with every thought of his dishonesty, deception, and trickery.

I felt my feet getting colder as if they were in front of the air conditioning!

I had to say it out loud. I had to tell my husband.

So, I did.

I told my husband that I was appalled with the ways of this scheming person.

I shared with him the conversation I had with Ocean.

My husband stopped working and laid beside me.

I was so tempted to make my daughter see how revolting the ways of her dad is.

Why?

Because in my heart, I wanted her to hate him too because, well, he’s done it again…

He spoke, and I believed the lie.

I wanted to send a message to my daughter’s father (and his relatives) that I will never adhere to their requests ever again not until they have provided the means to make it happen.

You know what my husband said, “There’s no need to do that.”

But how will they know? They SHOULD know what’s going to happen next time — IF there would be a next time. They SHOULD know I will never give in to their trickery again. They SHOULD know I’m standing my ground next time.

Oh, the anger in my heart!

My hands and my feet kept getting colder as I suppress the blazing anger inside of me.

My husband explained calmly why he thinks sending THE message is unnecessary.

I laid there quiet for a while. My heart aching from anger.

But he has a point. And it’s a valid one.

So, I said okay.

After doing a lot of deep breathing in my effort to calm my outraged soul, I shared with my husband my plans of facing MY GIANTS before we got married (which I never really had the chance to do. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it. I want to and I will!)

I shared with him that I plan on writing that overdue (or at least I think it was) Letter of Forgiveness to my defiler as well as make the daily commitment to forgive the men who have caused so much pain not only in my life but also my children’s lives.

I wanted to surrender my pain, bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness to the Lord as I start a new chapter in my life as a married woman.

I shared with my husband the lesson I learned from this video I watched on Facebook about Elizabeth Smart who is known to be the “girl who was kidnapped” at age 14. She was retrieved after 9 months of captivity (and sexual abuse).

Elizabeth said this in her talk:

The morning after I was rescued, my mom gave me the best piece of advice I’ve ever been given…

She said, “Elizabeth, what these people have done to you is terrible. And there aren’t words strong to describe how wicked and evil they are. They have stolen nine months of your life away from you that you will never get back.

But the best punishment you could ever give them is to be happy, to move forward with your life. Do all the things that you want to do.

Because by feeling sorry for yourself, by holding on to the past, by reliving in it, that’s only allowing them to steal more. And they don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve a single second more.

So, you need to be happy, and you need to move on with your life.” – Elizabeth Smart (emphasis mine)

(To watch the video on The Daily Goalcast on Facebook, click here)

Elizabeth’s mother is right.

The BEST PUNISHMENT I could ever give them is to be happy and move on.

They don’t deserve a single second more of my life.

That last sentence may sound bitter, but it’s the truth.

I imprison ME if I carry on like this — easily triggered and easily angered.

And I don’t want that.

I don’t want that for myself, for my kids, especially for my marriage — for “them” to keep stealing moments that could’ve been spent laughing and showing love to my family.

I know that it’s going to take me time to get used to forgiving immediately, BUT WITH GOD, all things are possible.

Thank You, Jesus, for Your goodness!

Thank You, Lord, for the wisdom You gave to my husband during this very sensitive situation that we’ve been in. You know me best, Lord. You know best how to deal with me when I’m angry, when I’m hurting.

Thank You, Jesus, for holding my hand, calming my heart, and making me see clearly beyond my anger. Help me, Lord, oh help me. I want to surrender this pain in my heart — the anger and unforgiveness. Help me do exactly that, Lord. Continue to heal my broken heart as I turn to You to fill my desire for justice as I believe that You are a just God because You are, Lord.

Thank You for the awesome things you’re doing in my life!

What about you?

Have you ever been so angry that you couldn’t breathe and function properly? How did you overcome your anger? How did your story end? Feel free to share your story in the comment section below.